I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I didn't notice because vodka
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
