I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
