doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
