im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
