did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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