I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
