Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
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Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
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My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.