Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
