Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
