i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Randomize
