Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
