I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize