she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
