So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
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Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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