she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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