bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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