First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
