I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
