I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All I want is dick and wine.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
