Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
