Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
