My friends, they love my intelligence
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Damn victory sex feels great
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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