yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
