We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
