Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
did you just send me my own nude
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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