Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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