you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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