my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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