he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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