New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
