i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
