Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i wish my penis had a tongue
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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