see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I love you. Go after that dick
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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