So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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