I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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