So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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