I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
