so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
