Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
