what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
