thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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