If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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