I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
