Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
