He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
