Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
