Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
