Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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