i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
