I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
