Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
