The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
