I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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